It's been a long time since my last visit here. So many crazy things have happened over the last few months that warrants a journal entry. I was recently diagnosed with Schizophrenia and have been taking medication for quite sometime now. I constructed a fantasy world where everything was perfect. But, I started believing in the dream world and couldn't differentiate between reality and fantasy.
The confusion escalated one day, and I tried ending my life once I saw a clear distinction. Long story short, ended up in a Psychiatric clinic and have been put up here ever since. Now, auditory and visual hallucinations have begun. The voices I hear are largely benevolent with some extremely critical voices creeping in time to time. The visual hallucinations have largely to do with Math and Theoretical Physics. I see equations, other mathematical constructs, structures, code and geometrical shapes.
Recently, my dad told me that he experienced the same sort of hallucinations when he was 29 and was obsessed with the solution to a complex problem in Infinite Partial Differential Equations. He told me that he had become paranoid and was hospitalized for three months. He was diagnosed with paranoid Schizophrenia. Given the tendency for the illness to be carried on genetically, it is no wonder why I experience the same problem.
I don't know what it means. I have gone through a seesaw of emotions over the last few months. Anger, panic, anxiety, fear, you name it. All kinds of crazy questions crop up. What happens to my future? Can I really live with this condition forever? Do I have to be reliant on medication for the rest of my life? Do the hallucinations that I experience have a connection to my dad's? Over-analysis has been a common thing these days. For instance, one of the equations that I saw was nothing more than the inverse of what my dad recently saw (Wigner distribution vs Weyl Transformation). Coincidence or Providence? You see, my brain goes nuts!
I have gone into a shell and am not so comfortable talking to friends. I have decided to dedicate my whole life to Theoretical Physics, Math, Programming and Comic books. I get solace only when doing something related to the aforementioned areas.
All these developments remind me of the observations my friends and family made on me and my life. They said that I was weird and crazy. It is funny to see now that I have been officially deemed crazy!