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About Deviant Member Prem KMale/Germany Recent Activity
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It's been a long time since my last visit here. So many crazy things have happened over the last few months that warrants a journal entry. I was recently diagnosed with Schizophrenia and have been taking medication for quite sometime now. I constructed a fantasy world where everything was perfect. But, I started believing in the dream world and couldn't differentiate between reality and fantasy.

The confusion escalated one day, and I tried ending my life once I saw a clear distinction. Long story short, ended up in a Psychiatric clinic and have been put up here ever since. Now, auditory and visual hallucinations have begun. The voices I hear are largely benevolent with some extremely critical voices creeping in time to time. The visual hallucinations have largely to do with Math and Theoretical Physics. I see equations, other mathematical constructs, structures, code and geometrical shapes.

Recently, my dad told me that he experienced the same sort of hallucinations when he was 29 and was obsessed with the solution to a complex problem in Infinite Partial Differential Equations. He told me that he had become paranoid and was hospitalized for three months. He was diagnosed with paranoid Schizophrenia. Given the tendency for the illness to be carried on genetically, it is no wonder why I experience the same problem.

I don't know what it means. I have gone through a seesaw of emotions over the last few months. Anger, panic, anxiety, fear, you name it. All kinds of crazy questions crop up. What happens to my future? Can I really live with this condition forever? Do I have to be reliant on medication for the rest of my life? Do the hallucinations that I experience have a connection to my dad's? Over-analysis has been a common thing these days. For instance, one of the equations that I saw was nothing more than the inverse of what my dad recently saw (Wigner distribution vs Weyl Transformation). Coincidence or Providence? You see, my brain goes nuts!

I have gone into a shell and am not so comfortable talking to friends. I have decided to dedicate my whole life to Theoretical Physics, Math, Programming and Comic books. I get solace only when doing something related to the aforementioned areas.

All these developments remind me of the observations my friends and family made on me and my life. They said that I was weird and crazy. It is funny to see now that I have been officially deemed crazy!
  • Mood: Frustrated
  • Listening to: Beatblender@somafm
  • Reading: LXR and FXR- Yin&Yang of Cholesterol Metabolis
  • Eating: Backfisch brötchen
  • Drinking: Hot Chocolate

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pkmurugan
Prem K
Germany
I am this token weirdo that you would find in any research institution. Reverse engineer gene regulatory networks for food, explore black hole information theory and extra dimensions by night. Weekends are reserved for step by step plans to take over the world. Studied Theoretical Physics and Chemical Engineering. Awaiting my PhD defense.
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:iconpitkon:
pitkon Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011   Interface Designer
Welcome to :iconblackboxdesktop: ! Real glad to have you aboard! And don't forget to submit styles/screenshots/whatever-box-oriented (that is with some Blackbox/Fluxbox/Openbox/HackedBox elements), 3dcc configurations, wallpapers and/or icons whenever you feel like it! :)
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:iconpitkon:
pitkon Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011   Interface Designer
Will you consider joining us over at :iconblackboxdesktop: ? It will be our pleasure :)
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:iconpkmurugan:
pkmurugan Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011
Thanks for the invite. I most certainly will join.
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:iconpitkon:
pitkon Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011   Interface Designer
Great! Thank YOU! :)
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:iconup-on-cpu:
UP-ON-CPU Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2011
Hey duder love your style. BSD all the way!
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:iconpkmurugan:
pkmurugan Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2011
Thanks man. Much appreciated.
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:icondillbyrne:
dillbyrne Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2011
Hey man , just wanna say I'm a big fan of your setups. Hope to set up one when I get a chance . Hope all is well . Peace
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:iconpkmurugan:
pkmurugan Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2011
Thanks bud. Kinda tied up with work and personal life disasters. But I am back now. Keep watching this space regularly.
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:iconcrownvictoria:
crownvictoria Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2010
love you're desktops, very inspireing to a fairly new linux user such as myself :D :D :D
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:iconpkmurugan:
pkmurugan Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2010
Glad to hear that mate. Thanks for the nice comment.
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